1. My hubby= AMAZING!!! He really just gets me. He's so wonderful to me, and make me feel complete. He's been super busy with work and this ORI and I really miss our time together during the day, but the exercise should be done soon and I will get to see him again, and have someone to cuddle with at least a 1/4 of the night! The AF ball is coming up and he a POC and doing fundraiser type things, and he found out that all POC must attend the AF ball. Chances are he will be going alone. As much as I would love to go with him, I really don't think its a possibility. The thought of him going alone bums me out and also makes me super jealous, because in all the 7 years we've been married, I've wanted to go to the AF Ball and we've never gone, and now he is going... ALONE! He really wants to work out a plan so I can go to, so maybe we can make it work. We did have a friend offer to watch the boys, I just need to try and get the nursing thing situated (*more on that later) or make her a GT expert over the next couple of weeks. We shall see how this plays out....and then comes into play the fact that I need a dress. and I'm fat and I don't feel sexy and a dress just, um, no way at this point...can I go in sweats? please!!!!!
Which at this point re-directions this to #2...ME! Seriously, how can one person bust their ass working out, eating right and not lose a single pound. Its just some bullshit, which brings me to the whole "It must be stress and lack of sleep" because at this point I don't know what else it could be. I've had all the "REAL" medical issues checked out and cleared ~ so the problem isn't there. I want to give up, but I'm not a quitter. I recently (pretty sure) broke my toe. Still hurts almost a week later. Playing around with the hubby, ninja kicks were involved...my toe suffered injury from a reverse ninja kick meeting a flying ninja kick. (Note to self: we really aren't ninjas and pretending to be one, is hazardous to my toes!)
For the past couple weeks, I've felt very overwhelmed and like my life has been crashing down around me. Watching life just swirl down around me, like toilet water flushing. Things were just bad, I was very depressed and feeling terrible. My house was OUT OF CONTROL. I had to take a step back and ask myself "What the hell is going on here??" I needed to take control back, so I've taken my level down, trying really hard not to yell, and the whole level of the house has gone down. I am breathing, taking very long deep breaths, and just relaxing and the tension in the house has gone down. There is less yelling, less stress and less tension coming from me. There is still a lot going on, but I need to chill out. I can't be mad, angry, depressed all the time. Its no life to give these kids. Life sucks sometimes, and life isn't fair, but ya know what, LIFE IS GOOD! We've just got to live for today, take it all one day at a time. I had to remind myself that. One day at a time. Going to bed at night, "tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow will be a good day." Waking up in the morning "Today is a new day. Today will be a good day" Call me ridiculous, but putting myself back in that place, where I remind myself that each day is a new day and every minute is a new minute to change and make it a better day has really helped me. We can't do anything about the past, but learn from it and move it. I've gotten grounded again and that is what's important. I'm the only mom these kiddos have and I need to keep it together. They don't need the scary yelling, sad, depressed and overwhelmed mom. They need the crazy dancing, silly singing, cookie making, playdoh playing, coloring mom. Life is only what we make it and we've only got this life, so we need to make the best of it....ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE HOUR AT A TIME, ONE MINUTE AT A TIME!
#3- Aiden- oooooh Aiden, Aiden, Aiden. That boy is sooo darn funny. He seriously cracks me up. He just got his school pictures back and he LOOKS 5! He looks so grown up and so mature. I can't believe in 3 months, my baby boy will be five years old. 5 is big, 5 is huge!! 5 is FIVE!!! AHHH! Right now, he's going through some stuff, we are working through it. Focusing is so very hard for him right now, unless it happens to be about trains. I have made cue cards, social stories to just help him know what he should be doing, and its working for the most part. Its really helping him to stay on task and focus. I've gotten him into feeding therapy to work on this whole gagging, texture issue thing he's got going on. Hopefully he will start some OT too, to help with the focusing, sensory overload aspect in his life right now. Aspergers has been thrown out there, but I don't think so. I see a 4 yr old who loves trains and just can't focus. SPD, ADHD, maybe.....I'm willing to go forward from there, it is what it is, and will be what it will be, but for now we just take it all one day at a time and keep loving him and his hysterical self.
#4- Keegan- Keegy- KeeganMater....Everyday he impresses me more and more. He's coming such a long way. At therapy, a new (but old, she hasn't seen Keegan in about 3 months) came out to get him and bring him in the back, and Keegan covered his eyes and just sunk down on the bench and just when I thought he wasn't going to go with her, something came over him and he stood up said "Keegy school" and went in. He didn't exactly talk to her or interact with her, but he was okay with her being there. Another therapist who Keegy knows well stayed close by, just in case...but he didn't need her. He did great! She made me really realize how far he's come in just the last 3 months. He's got the terrible 2's right now, and he's got it BAD!!! He's jealous of Ollie, he keeps hurting him. He's destroying a lot more things, hitting, biting, all the usual terrible 2 tantrums, screaming, stripping down and running out of the house naked, blah blah blah, times....I don't even know what to times that by, so I will say times autism. ODD much? Holy crap! But it is what it is....and we just keep moving forward. This is a phase, it will pass....to take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back because of the terrible 2's sucks, but once he gets out of these terrible 2's, maybe it will be like 5 steps forward! Have I ever mentioned how much Keegan loves mud. Loves to play in mud, rub it in his hair, all over his body, eat it...you name it, he loves to do it with mud. I love that Keegy and Aiden are playing outside all afternoon and coming in dirty, dirty, dirty little boys. As much as Keegy loves mud, the fire ants love Keegy. Currently he has 29 fire ant bites on him. They don't phase him, he's a tough kid, but his legs, arms, face are covered in fire ant bites. He got stung by a wasp yesterday (thankfully no allergy, but I do have an EpiPen Jr for Aiden's latex allergy. Having that thing makes me feel a little safer when bee stings are involved). Point is, he got stung and even though he screamed, he still killed the thing. Smashed it into the ground. I saw it today. I've got to admit, I am proud of him for killing that wasp. Good for him!!!
Last but not least #5- Ollie. Man this kid. Let me tell you. On this oxygen, he is crawling, pulling to stand, sleeping better, his attitude is better (mostly), his endurance is way up, he is stronger, eating better, just growing in leaps and bounds. I'm amazing. Developmentally he's caught up about 3, maybe 4 months in just 6 short week on O2. His blood pressure and heart rate are normal, he's off of his heart meds! Its like a miracle. Here's the kicker, they still don't know whats wrong with his lungs or him. He's had every test they can possibly ever do with genetics,in 2 years there should be some new testing developed that we can go ahead with, but as far as science/medicine is concerned whatever Ollie has is so rare science hasn't even caught up yet. So our doctors orders are to "make memories." So we take him outside knowing he will get sick and just deal with it, but we only take him outside when its worth it. Going to the pumpkin patch with him was worth it. Did he get sick? Yes. Did he get horrifically ill like he would have in the past? Nope. Did he recover much faster? Yes he did. Thank you oxygen for saving us a week in the hospital! boo-yah! Our other orders "just make it through the winter" Its very, very scary, even for the doctors, to try and get him through this winter not knowing what exactly is wrong with his lung. Something like the flu, RSV, URI could be fatal. So we are trying to make it through the winter and make memories. We re-evaluate in the Spring and see where we go from there, but like I've said many, many times: One day at at time. So if you are sick, then you are not welcome near me or my children...I hope you understand why and you don't think I'm being a total bitch, and even if you do, oh well, get over it! lol
Ollie had his assessment today from the hourly nursing program and he qualifies for 8 hours a day of hourly one on one nursing. I have a lot of mixed feeling and emotions about this. I mean, I've been doing this day and in and day out, pretty much by myself at night while Todd is at work, so why do I need someone to come in and do it for me. He's MY baby, I should be taking care of him, not them. But on the other hand, like right now, I should be making the pump cup, priming the pump, blah blah, but I'm sitting here on the computer....I could have the nurse do it while I am giving baths and then I won't have to do it at 845 at night. It could already be done. I could possibly get a baby sitter and then have the nurse come and help with Ollie and the whole medical side of it and maybe Todd and I could go on a real date. That would be nice, very nice!!! And then there are the little things, like playing outside with the boys and I have to leave Ollie inside, because "its not worth it" to bring him outside everyday and make him sick everyday. I wouldn't have to bounce back and forth between inside and outside. I would at least know Ollie isn't alone inside. I am just so torn. I do this all the time, every day. I don't need help. Help sounds so nice though. I think I am torn because I'm a control freak. I need to be in control. I don't NEED help. I'm not helpless and I feel like I'm saying that I'm helpless if I have a nursing coming 5 days a week. Maybe its a matter of pride. I'm not defeated, but it would make me feel like I'm admitting to defeat or something. I've been doing this for so long. I'm strong enough, I'm tough enough, I don't need help, but I would love it if I got it, but only to a certain extent. I don't want someone else raising my baby. I don't want my "memories" to be of someone else coming into my house and taking over for him. I'm his mom, not the nurse. I'm just really struggling. I was happy at first, but now the more I think about it, I just want to cry about it . And I have to think about Keegan too. What will this do to him. Having this person coming into the house that he doesn't know .I feel like I'd be torturing him . Its so hard being a mom and wanting to do whats best for everyone. I just need to swallow my pride and relinquish a little bit of that control and go with the flow...one day at a time ,right?
"Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads no where?"
-Adele
I CHOOSE TO KEEP CHASING PAVEMENT. NEVER GIVE UP.
Pound, chase, rock that pavement, Maureen. You are a hell of an inspiration.
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