Oliver Danger's Birth Story

**Reader digression is advised**

I remember being 32 weeks pregnant (about to turn 33 weeks) laying on the couch, feeling like I was dying. Todd had taken the boys out to get a new tool box. By the time he came home I was begging him to take me to the hospital. I told him just to drop me off and I'd let him know what was going on later so he didn't have to bring the boys in. It was such a struggle to walk and breath to just get into the hospital.

I get in and get hooked up to the monitors, baby sounds/looks great. Me on the other hand, no so much. They hooked me up to an EKG and I was having a heart attack, or had just had one. I was struggling to breath so badly. They had me hooked up to oxygen and transported me in an ambulance to the OTHER SIDE OF THE HOSPITAL! (way to go New Mexico!) to get a CT Scan or an MRI done. I don't know which one it was but they use that fun iodine contrast, which I told them makes it hard for me to breath, and given the fact that I already couldn't breath made it ever more stellar! But the benefits of the contrast outweighed the risk, blah blah blah.. They said I had a pulmonary embolism and I was lucky they caught it because most of the time people just die from them and they don't find them until the autopsy (Really? Is that what you think I need to hear right now?!?! NO its not!) I know they put a central line in to my heart, "just in case". I think it was after this that Todd got there. I don't remember if I called him or the hospital called him though.

A lot of the details after that are funny. I remember going back into my room and them starting me on blood thinners and a few hours later me all of a sudden feeling like Ollie was trying to come out. The OB checked me and sure enough he was, so in an effort to stop my labor and transport me to a different hospital, and shut off and reverse the blood thinner I could have swore the baby was just going to pop out...and guess what....he did! I don't remember seeing him after he was born, I didn't know what he looked like, if he was alive, breathing, where he was, where they took him or anything. As for me, I remember people screaming, the look of fear on my poor husband's face, hearing things crashing, the feel of the nurse putting her hand over mine and putting it on my central line, whispering (or atleast it seemed like it) "Your job is to hold this in and stay alive", lifting my head and seeing a trail of blood on the floor. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ICU, Todd by my side. He told me Ollie was okay and they were taking him on the plane to the other hospital. What a tough situation to be in, stay with your wife who just bled out before your eyes and died, then came back to life or stay with your 8 week premature baby! I know I stayed in the ICU for maybe a day. I know Karen and Colin drove down from Colorado to stay with Aiden and Keegan until my mom could fly in. I know some guys from Todd's squadron rushed to the house to stay with Aiden and Keegy until Karen and Colin got to the house so Todd could come be with me. These things I know because they were told to me, I don't remember them...but I remember Todd being there.

In the end, I know I bled out so badly that I ended up needing a total and complete blood transfusion, I flat lined for a little while and I needed a hysterectomy to stop to the bleeding and save my life.

One thing I do sort of remember is my transport to the hospital. I had to ride in the ambulance and I felt so sick. I could see out the back window and I could see Todd's truck behind the ambulance following us. I remember the EMT pulling over and buying me gum to chew so I wouldn't throw up all over "his bus". Getting to the hospital and getting into my room I don't remember. I barely remember them wheeling me down to the NICU to see Ollie. I couldn't even tell you details of the first time I saw & held my baby because I don't remember. That hurts, I can't lie.

They say he was breathing room air really fast and barely needed oxygen (which makes me roll my eyes because now the poor thing can barely breath and they are talking about putting him on oxygen, but that's a whole different story). Oliver was transferred to the ICN after a day or two, and at some point during his ICN stay is where I start to remember things, I think it was about 3 days later I can remember things. The first thing I can remember is my nurse being "mean to me" (she really wasn't. she was trying to help me get on my feet) She told me I couldn't see Ollie until I could get up off the bed myself and put myself in the wheel chair and then she would wheel me down to see him. It took me a while to get up but I did it, and I remember it was late at night, around 11pm. He was sleeping so peacefully and looked so tiny, yet so big compared to all the other babies around him. I know I held him and held his hand, like I'm sure I did many times before, but that was the first time I remember doing so....late at night, all alone in the quiet...just me and my baby.

No, I won't let go

I heard this song today and it literally brought me to tears.

Rascal Flatts: I won't let go

It's like a storm

That cuts a path

It breaks your will

It feels like that

You think you're lost

But you're not lost on your own,

You're not alone

I will stand by you,

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

and you can't cope

I will dry your eyes,

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry

I know its dark this part of life

Oh it find us all and we're to small

to stop the rain

Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

and you can't cope

I will dry your eyes,

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall

I'm right here to catch you

I won't let you down

It won't get you down

You're gonna make it

I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

and you can't cope

I will dry your eyes,

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

and I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you

and I won't let go

Won't let you go

No I won't

ALL DONE!

For the past month or so I've been getting pretty jealous of all my friend's and their babies that are younger then Ollie, or heck even the same age, because their babies are eating real food, rolling over (he used to know how to roll over, but now that skill has since been lost), getting into a sitting position all by themselves, crawling, scooting, pulling to standing, cruising furniture, and some are even walking. I've not only been jealous, its made me pretty sad. I will admit that I even started crying a couple weeks ago seeing a baby the same age as Oliver crawl all over her house and taking baby steps around the house while holding a hand. At that moment, in my heart, I just felt a sense of defeat for Ollie, and I felt sad, jealous and even mad FOR Oliver. How is all of this fair to him? Why can't his body just give in and work for him instead of against him?

With all of that being said, I've decided I don't want to be mad or jealous anymore. Of course I want him to catch up developmentally and be able to crawl, walk, eat real food, etc...but for now, I'm going to enjoy what we have. I mean, I can sit him down in one spot, leave the room, come back and guess what...he's still in that spot. No playing the guessing game of "Where did the baby go?". Even that is a huge accomplishment, up until last week I would never dream of leaving his side while he was sitting up for fear that he might fall over, but now we can get a good 20 minutes out of him before he's too tired to sit up anymore on his own and then its lay down or Bumbo time. Oh and we can leave his crib on the highest setting still which means no breaking my back trying to put him in the crib since I'm so short, PLUS it makes life easier with the feeding pump if I don't have to climb into the crib to reach.

So I am all done being jealous and mad. A little sad for Ollie? Yes of course, but all in due time he will catch up in his own way. It may not be the traditional way like other babies, but thats not Oliver, he's not traditional. We continue with extensive PT, ST, OT, FT and one of these days he will get there...one of these days!

Have I lost my sanity? Yes, I think so!

Aiden is unofficially out of school for the summer. Wednesday his school called me to come pick him up telling me he was "dismissed for the rest of the year". Of course I think he is in trouble so I rush down there. Oh no, not in trouble, but his school decided because Aiden said he wanted to go home, Aiden could go home. After all, there is only a week left of school. On top of it all, they told my FOUR YEAR OLD he didn't have to come back to school if he didn't want to....um, isn't that my decision to make, not my 4 yr olds? But now he has it in his head he is done with school. I made him go to school on Thursday to participate in his end of year program and then I signed him out for the rest of the day. And at the end of the program his teacher announced to a class of 4 yr olds that they didn't have to go back to school if they didn't want to, because although their last day is the 9th, they stopped taking attendance after the program! So now there is a classroom full of 4 yr old that think they don't have to go to school if they don't want to. Luckily, I am a SAHM and I can keep Aiden home, but there are moms and dads who can't do that and now they are faced with a situation where they need their kid to go to school and the teacher already told them they didn't have to go back! Seriously!!! Not cool! But I am keeping him home anyways. Its not worth the hassle.

I know my kids drive me nuts at times, but I'm not sure when I officially lost my sanity, but it happened somewhere along the way. Todd left for 2 weeks for work, and what did I do, I offered to watch 2 more kids in addition to my own 3. And its not for only a couple hours a day, its 13 hours a day, every single day for the 2 weeks Todd is gone. 630am-730pm! What is wrong with me?!?!? I will say though, I am so happy to have only 3 kids. Every now and again I think about adopting a toddler, but I think at this point in my life I am good. Maybe when Oliver is older I might get that itch again. But for now, I'm all set with just 3 kids!

The problem I am having with watching these kids, is there is a 7 yr old boy, and Keegan HATES him. And I mean absolutely HATES him. He goes out of his way to terrorize this kid. Granted I have told the 7 yr old that Keegan doesn't like to be touched or talked to unless its on his terms, but 7 yr old insist on standing really close to Keegan, touching Keegan, talking to Keegan, so in turn Keegan head butts him, spits on him, drags him down to the ground and punches him, tries drowning him in a pool, throws books, sippy cups, toys at him. Keegan passes up no opportunity to walk by him and just ever so kindly give him a swift elbow to the forehead, or a quick pull of the hair. I don't know what to do. I've warned 7yr old to leave Keegan alone, and he won't. At this point I say, "you've been warned, and if you mess with him, he will jack you up!"

Potty Training

I wish the potty training fairy would kidnap Keegan and bring him back fully potty trained. He is the most stubborn kid I know and is so resistant to potty training. Truthfully he just doesn't care if he's wet or poopie. I encourage him to use the potty whenever I change his diaper and he just screams NO and acts like the toilet will kill him if he gets near it. Even his potty seat is horrible to sit on. Ive tried putting him in undies, and he didn't care. Thing is, Keegan is pretty smart and he could get this potty thing down in a heart beat if he WANTED to, but he doesn't. Instead he enjoys tormenting his brother while he is on the potty, unrolling all the toilet paper and flushing the toilet continuously. He has an interest in the potty and others going potty...just.not.him!

Please, potty training fairy, where ever you are, please kidnap my stubborn boy, potty train him and bring him back to me. Thanks

Boot Camp

So, Oliver is almost 1 and I'm still just as fat as ever and so not impressed with myself. But I know, lack of sleep, stress...blah blah makes it harder to lose weight. Now that Oliver is off milk, and on the pump, he is sleeping better and the level of stress from the constant crying has gone down tremendously since he isn't crying 24/7. Starting today I am back with The Biggest Loser, doing the 6 week Cardio Max, Power Sculpt for "maximum weight loss results". I'm calling it my own Weight Loss Boot Camp. I've done it before and I lost a lot of weight, but I was also breastfeeding and on a dairy free diet because of Keegy's issues with milk. I just hope that with being able to sleep at night, and with the level of stress in my life going down, I will be able to stick with this boot camp and lose the weight and not give up because I'm not seeing results. I am seriously over being fat. None of my clothes fit and I am disgusted with myself. I thought for sure that by this time I would be back in all my old clothes. I am determined though that by this fall/winter I will be back in my old clothes...and then I can buy new, cuter clothes!

Grumpy Pants

Today Ive got on my grumpy pants. I'm trying really hard not to be a total bitch today, but my goodness its really hard. I'm sure its because I'm tired, the kids are tired so they are crabby, the baby is teething so he is being a fuss bucket. I despise teething. Its really a cruel joke.

We've been enjoying our long weekend so far. The pump has been great. Ollie STTN 2 days in a row, until these damn teeth started coming in. Now he's waking up a couple times but its tolerable. We've had friends over Fri & Sat for a BBQ, which was a lot of fun...then Todd got sick...bummer. He better not pass that sh*t this way. Last thing I need is 3 kids and myself with a stomach virus while he is away for 2 weeks....It really would just be a blast....*major sarcasm*

But once he gets back it should be good times (seriously). Minus Monday when I have to go to the dentist and they stick a needle in my face to fix my sticky spot on my tooth that Ive had for 15 years now. But since I'm getting ---OLDER--- as the dentist put it, I'm at a higher risk for it turning into a cavity or worse, needing a route canal if I go another 4 years before going back to the dentist. So not looking forward to a needle in the face...thank god for the Valium he prescribed me. Then the next day I take Aiden to the dentist...I won't share my traumatic needle to the face story with him! LOL

Then on Friday 18th we are having Oliver's 1st birthday party. My sister & her wifey are coming Monday, my parental units are coming Wed (Ollie's REAL birthday) and we are having another mini party then. I can't believe this monkey is going to be 1 in less then a month! Its been a long year.

Oh man. The joys of having boys... Aiden and Keegan are playing with a fly, that Keegan caught and killed. "Oh no buggie" GROSS...they are smashing it..."I broke the fly" -Thanks Aiden! Ewwww